


Deepest of all, the darkest light

by repochan



Series: The melancholy of Baz Pitch [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Loves Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-08 11:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18622288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/repochan/pseuds/repochan
Summary: I don’t know how long I’ve been awake. I can’t remember if it was dark when I woke up. Or did I wake up? I don’t really remember falling asleep either.I can feel Simon behind me, his knees pressing against my lower back, forehead against the nape of my neck. He still sleeps on a knot.There is something wrong. With me. I just don’t know what.





	Deepest of all, the darkest light

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, my first fanfic posted. SnowBaz cause I love these two. English is not my native language, so be aware of all the spelling mistakes I definitely made! Also the title is probably not the best, but I love the line from Wolf Brother by Michelle Paver, so I used it :P I DO NOT own these characters, they belong to the one and only Rainbow Rowell who has gifted this world with her beautiful writing!♥

I don’t know how long I’ve been awake. I can’t remember if it was dark when I woke up. Or did I wake up? I don’t really remember falling asleep either.  
I can feel Simon behind me, his knees pressing against my lower back, forehead against the nape of my neck. He still sleeps on a knot.  
There is something wrong. With me. I just don’t know what.  
I can’t feel anything.  
I’m numb, and all I can do is stare. I don’t think I could get up even if I wanted to. I feel like I can’t even move.  
I’ve never felt like this before, but I know Simon has. After the Mage, after everything that happened, I remember Simon just laying on the bed, not moving, not eating, not answering when I spoke to him. It scared the shit out of me.  
But Simon had a reason.  
He had lost his magic, lost the only person who had ever been something like a parent to him. He lost Ebb. He never even had a lot to begin with. He had no parents, no home. It didn’t come as a surprise to me when he fell apart. And he got up, like he always did. Because Simon Snow is alive, and nothing can keep him down, nothing.  
But then, me?  
Yes, my mum died when I was little, but I still had a family. I had a home, friends. I had Simon. There is no reason for me to break down, not now, when everything is okay, and me and Simon never had to fight in the end. And he is here, right next to me with his leathery wings and stupid cartoon devil tail.  
And yet, I can’t get up.  
I almost start to cry, but I tell myself not to. I’m gonna work this out, I’m gonna get myself together and get up.  
It is just getting out of bed.  
It’s gonna be alright.

 

I’m still laying still when Simon wakes up. I can hear it in his breathing, the way he nuzzles his nose against my neck. He stays still for a moment, breathes me in, and sits up. I close my eyes and pretend to still be asleep. Simon usually gets up before me. And I think he has a shift in that little bakery today. I just can’t remember what time his work starts.  
I always remember that.  
I hear him yawn, and then I feel him kiss my shoulder. He smiles against my cool pale skin.  
Then he is up and gone.  
I don’t know what to do. I’m still so tired, yet I cannot sleep.  
And I still cannot get up.

 

It’s been ages since Simon got up. And I’m still here. I don’t hear any speaking, so that must mean Bunce isn’t home. I wish I was at my own apartment. Well, Fiona’s apartment. I wish I had more time to pull myself together. But I stay with Simon every night I possibly can. And I have been feeling weird this week, so I wanted to be with him. So that maybe that strange feeling would go away, and I wouldn’t have to figure out what the feeling actually was, what it meant. 

 

Simon knocks at the door. He is leaving, and I’m usually up at this time. Whatever the time is. He usually kisses me goodbye, and it’s disgustingly sweet. I love it.  
“Baz?” he asks quietly. I don’t answer, I can’t.  
I can’t get any words out.  
“Baz, it’s close to twelve, I’m already late. Are you still sleeping?”  
I wish he would just go. But I know he is gonna come to me, cause he needs his freaking kiss. Even if that means he has to wake me up. And suddenly I can feel the tears. I close my eyes, trying to keep them in. I just need Simon to go to work, and I can figure this out. I just need a little more time. He doesn’t have to see this, he doesn’t have to know.  
“Baz?”  
His voice is soft, and then he sees the tears that forced their way through my closed eyelids.  
“Baz, what’s wrong?”  
He sounds panicked, and I just want to tell him I’m alright, that he can go, he’s already late.  
But I can’t get anything out of my mouth.  
“Baz, talk to me, please.” His hand is suddenly in my hair. I feel sticky, I realize I’m covered in sweat. I open my eyes.  
Simon is kneeling in front of me, eyes wide and bright, and I think of how pretty he is. How strong, how endlessly strong he is. And I force the words out of my mouth:  
“I can’t get up.”  
Simon looks confused.  
“What do you mean? Are you hurt?” I manage to shake my head, and two more tears roll down. They disappear into the sheets. I look him in the eyes and beg him to understand. Because I can’t explain this, even if I tried. I just look at him and try not to cry.  
Simon brings his other hand to wipe at the wetness on my cheek, the other hand still in my hair.  
“Okay, alright. Just… just wait a minute. I’ll be right back.”  
He kisses my forehead and jumps up, rushes into the living room. He calls work and says he can’t make it. I wish he wouldn’t do that.  
He should go.  
I can get through this, I just need a little more time.  
But I don’t say anything when he comes back. He tosses his hoodie onto the floor and comes back to bed. And then he is there, pressing his face against my neck, wraps his arms around me. His tail snakes its way around my ankle, and another one of his wings lays on top of us like a blanket. I wonder if he was going to go out like that. Someone has to magic away his wings. Maybe he was meeting Bunce on the way. I can’t think clearly anymore, Simon is so warm against me. I slowly fall asleep.

 

When I wake up, it’s dark. I can’t feel Simon next to me, and I feel cold. Then I feel stupid, didn’t I wish he’d leave me alone, so that I could have time to figure this out.  
I still don’t feel like moving. The numbness is terrifying, I don’t even feel thirsty. I did feed yesterday, but it’s still odd. I’m trying to search something, anything, but I find nothing.  
A phone rings, Simon’s phone.  
“Yeah?” he whispers. He must still think I’m asleep.  
I feel an unexpected wave of relief.  
He is still here.  
“I don’t know, he hasn’t gotten up all day. He barely speaks, just lays there. I don’t know what to do.”  
I think I hear a shade of panic in Simons voice. He’s afraid. He shouldn’t, I’m going to be fine.  
“I don’t remember Penny! I was out of it. He was just… There, I guess.”  
He is speaking about the time he had his breakdown. I remember being scared, not knowing what to do. I was so afraid of doing something wrong.  
I don’t ever want Simon to feel like that.  
“Yeah, okay. Yes, of course I will.”  
I need to get up. I need to go to him, I need to tell him to stop worrying. The tears burn my eyes again.  
“Yeah, thanks Penny. I will. Okay, bye.”  
The call is over, and I can hear Simon breathing in, slowly. His breath is trembling.  
I want him to be okay. That is all I’ve ever wanted.  
I need to get up!  
My muscles feel like jello, and I can’t stop trembling. But I manage to sit up.  
“Simon?” I whisper. I hope he hears me, I can’t speak any louder.  
He is beside me in a flash, warm hand carefully touching my back.  
I don’t want him to be careful, I’m not going to break.  
I won’t break, right?  
“Hey, how are you feeling?”  
His voice is so tender, so full of worry and love. I know how he feels, I’ve been where he is. And I hate myself for putting him there.  
“I’m sorry”, I mutter. I didn’t mean to say it.  
It’s not gonna help, it’s nowhere near enough.  
“Baz, you don’t have to be, okay? You never have to be sorry for what you’re feeling.” I wish he was right. But he is not. It should be easy for Simon now, life. And here I am, making everything hard again.  
I don’t know what else to say, so I lean my head against his chest. His strong heartbeat echoes through my body. I wish I had my own heartbeat; I wish I could feel I was alive.  
I’ve never felt more dead.  
And then I break, completely. I sob and the only thing keeping me up is Simon.  
I cry so hard my head starts to hurt, I cry so hard I tremble, and my face is covered with snot and tears.  
Simon doesn’t say anything, he just hugs me hard, keeps rocking me slowly. I think he cries too, and I hate myself for hurting him.

 

Eventually I gather enough strength and energy to walk into the living room. I sit on the couch, I sink into it, and I stare, just like I did in Simon’s bedroom. Bunce and Simon are in the kitchen, whispering, trying to make a plan. For me, to get me better. It seems like wishful thinking to me, to be better. I wonder if I have ever been well.  
But I have.  
When Simon came to my house, when he kissed me so much, I feared I would Turn him. When we danced and he kissed me in front of everyone, when he didn’t mind who saw.  
I was well when Simon told me he loved me for the first time. When we didn’t go all the way on our first anniversary, but it didn’t matter, because Simon Snow loved me.  
After everything I’ve done, he loved me.  
I was well when Simon got up that one morning after everything went to shit. When he smiled, and I knew he was going to be okay.  
It seems so far away, I wonder if I’ll ever get there. If I’ll ever smile like that. It feels impossible now. I’ve never smiled a lot, more after Simon and I got together, but still not a lot.  
That is when I realize, I might have all the time in the world, but I might never get better. People die from this, depression.  
That’s what this is, depression. It’s what Simon had, what Simon conquered, because that’s what Simon does.  
But can I do it?  
It’s so heavy, and I’m so tired.

 

The thirst wakes me up. It sucks, cause it took forever to fall asleep. I don’t want to drink blood, I don’t want to drink anything. I just wanna sleep and hope I’ll feel better. That this goes away, and I don’t have to fight it. I’m so tired of fighting.  
I try to fall back asleep, but I know that I can’t. Then I smell Simon. Or more specifically, Simon’s blood. I can hear it.  
I could take it, right now. I just have to give in to it. My body, my vampire instincts would do everything for me. I wouldn’t have to worry, wouldn’t have to have the strength.  
But it’s Simon! I will never hurt Simon!  
The thought scares me fully awake.  
I didn’t just think of feeding on Simon! I didn’t!  
“Simon”, I whisper. I don’t want to touch him, I’m afraid of what I’d do.  
“Simon, please wake up.”  
He opens his eyes slowly, and I enter a full-on panic mode. He needs to wake up and get away, from me. On some level I feel that I’m shaking, that I struggle to breathe. But I can’t focus on that, I have to focus on Simon. Waking Simon up, making him get away from me. To Penelope, she will keep him safe.  
I try to push myself off the bed, but it’s hard to control my hands, they’re shaking so much.  
“Baz? Baz, you need to breathe! Calm down!”  
Simon sounds both scared and very very sure.  
He doesn’t know what I just thought of doing.  
I have to tell him.  
I don’t want to.  
I would never hurt him.  
“Baz, listen to me, it’s a panic attack. Breathe, you’re gonna be okay!”  
A panic attack?  
Yeah, I remember Simon’s first panic attack. We were watching some stupid show Bunce and Simon couldn’t shut up about. I don’t even remember what happened in that particular episode, (I hardly paid any attention, it was much nicer watching Simon and his reactions) but something that happened, triggered a memory in Simon. It took me and Penelope a lot of time to make him calm down.  
I first thought he was choking, and I thought how ridiculous it would be, after everything, that the Chosen One would die because of popcorn.  
Simon never told me it was like this, having a panic attack. He tried to describe it to me once, saying it was like drowning. Like you couldn’t tell where you ended and where the fear begun. It’s so much more horrible than I thought. And in addition to that, I’m so thirsty it hurts.  
“Blood, please…Simon”, is all I get out.  
Simon hesitates a bit, not sure if leaving me alone is a wise thing to do right now. But then he gets up, runs to the fridge and brings me a bag of blood. I hear Bunce’s voice asking what’s going on. I hear the blood in my head, which is weird, cause I don’t feel like there is anything else inside me but fear. And thirst.  
I don’t try to drink clean; I feel the blood dripping down my chin. I must look like a complete monster. Crazy eyes, trembling, having blood all over my chin.  
Once I’ve emptied the blood bag, I feel more in control. Like I won’t suddenly jump on the love of my life and drain him empty.  
I can breathe again.  
And then Simon is hugging me, not caring about the blood.  
“Crowley, you scared me”, he says, and I can’t hug him back, I don’t have the right to do that.  
Because I don’t deserve him. Because he doesn’t deserve this.  
Simon Snow is all that matters.

 

“You need to talk to someone. My therapist is great, you’ll like her”, Simon says, and I know he is right. And it’s not like I have many options when it comes to therapists. Being a vampire is a big part of this, I know. I need to be able to talk about it.  
The thing is, I don’t know how. My father never talked about it. Fiona didn’t either. Everyone knew, we just never… talked about it.  
It is starting to dawn on me how fucked up that is.  
And I want to do this for Simon. I can’t stay like this. I need to fix this, I need to fix myself. For Simon.

 

It’s getting better. I’m getting better. I have talked to Simon’s therapist, and he was right, she is really nice. She’s good.  
I’m good.  
I can get up again, I can go out, I can do what I’m supposed to do. I’m behind in school, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. It’s going to be alright. It’s easy to smile to Simon now, too. I can see he’s relieved.  
But deep down I know it’s all still there, but I bury it down. It needs to go away.  
I’m good, everything’s good.  
Until it isn’t.

 

I’m back at Simon and Bunce’s apartment. I think I should still be at school, but I’m not. I’m here, and no one else is home. It’s coming, it’s creeping up my limbs, the numbness. I need it to go away, I can keep it away, I’ve been doing it for the last couple of weeks. I don’t want to go back, I don’t ever want to make Simon feel like that again. I need to wash it off, so that is what I do. I stand in the shower, thinking I should have taken my clothes off first. But I can do it later, when I’m okay again.  
I just need to do all that before Simon or Penelope gets home.  
I’m so tired, I need to sit down. The water is cold, but so am I.  
If I could just close my eyes for a second. Then I can turn off the shower, change my clothes and be me again before Simon comes back.  
I can do that.  
I can do this.

 

“Oh God! Baz? Baz, can you hear me?”  
It’s Simon’s voice. I’m so tired I can’t open my eyes. I’m kind of cold, but I always am, so…  
“Penny! He’s here!”  
He sounds so broken, so scared.  
“Crowley, what happened?”  
That’s Penelope, she sounds scared too. Should I be scared?  
I’m just tired.

 

Simon’s crying wakes me up. It’s quiet, but I can still hear it. I’m on his bed, tucked under the covers. I feel warm and a little burnt out. I try to remember what happened. I try to remember what I did to hurt Simon this time.  
“Hey”, I whisper. My voice is kind of raspy, like I had been screaming really loudly. I hope I didn’t, that would have scared the hell out of the neighbors.  
Simon rises his head and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. He looks mad and tired. Maybe more tired.  
“What the hell was that? You could have died, Baz! I don’t want you to die! You can’t do that to me.”  
He’s still crying.  
“I don’t want to die. I just want to be better, for you.” I reach for his face, but he grabs my hand, holding it tight.  
“No Baz, you need to get better for you.”  
I don’t know what to say. He’s wrong, he is so wrong. Because he is worth everything, and I’m worth nothing.  
I shouldn’t feel this bad, I have no right. I’m fine, my life is fine. Simon is the one who went through shit.  
So I tell him that, because I have to make him understand. The only way I’m worth anything, is me being with him. And I’m hurting him, I know, and that is why I have to get better.  
“You are a fucking idiot Basilton Grimm-Pitch. You are everything! You keep thinking I never got anything, that life was not fair for me, and that is why I have a right to feel down. But you do too, Baz. You have every right to feel everything, even the bad stuff. Your mother died in front of you, you were Turned, and had to keep it as a fucking secret from everyone. And I… I just kept pushing it, and you had to go through all that alone, the whole vampire thing. That is not even it, and it’s already so much! And even if nothing of this had happened to you, you would still have every right to feel what you are feeling. Sometimes people feel like shit, and that is okay. It’s so okay not to be fine all the time.”  
I keep staring at him. He just gave me a permission to feel like shit. To not be okay.  
And I know I don’t need to ask for a permission, but it means so much that he gave me one.  
“Baz, I love you. You have no idea how much. And you got me through this, it’s only fair I’m here for you. But please, I need you to really try, for you. No one else, just you. Because Baz, you are worth everything in every possible way.”  
I still feel like shit. I still feel like just going to sleep and be over with this whole fighting thing. But I also love Simon Snow, and I would do anything for him. So if he asks me to do this, I’m going to try.  
I’m going to do this for me.  
For us.  
“Okay. Okay, I will try. I might fuck up, but I’ll try.”  
I’m searching for his lips, and I speak the next words into his mouth.  
“Just… Stay with me, okay?”  
“Always.”


End file.
